*Tiny thoughts will be a segment of Do You Love Me? consisting of short essays regarding big ideas. Today’s topic is the Scarcity Mindset.
Lately I’ve been living in red mountains and camping trips and summer breezes so strong that they send wildflowers tumbling through the air. I think a good number of folks can relate to this sort of day-dreaming; whether it’s about happy hours in wine bars or live music or a vacation, we’re all fantasizing about the things we’ll do once we get out of our heads and back into the world.
Because being locked inside forces us to deal with areas of our brains that we’re not always proud of. My therapist tells me (and my friends’ therapists have confirmed) that our brains are in fight or flight mode these days, meaning we are more likely to perceive threats when there are none. The digital sector feels especially dangerous; to quote my dear friend and writer Amanda Montell (check out her wonderful book here), “social media is a battlefield.”
For the most part, I consider myself a person who is happy when I see the achievements of others. But sometimes on a dark day, when all I see is the success of everyone around me, I start thinking of all the things I don’t have, which quickly morphs into the fear of things I don’t think I can do. Enter the scarcity mindset, or the fear that there’s not enough of something to go around. Whether it’s to do with romantic partners, opportunity, or toilet paper, the scarcity mindset tricks us into believing that certain things are finite.
Advertisers or anyone attempting to get us to buy, share or do certain things understand the psychology behind the scarcity mindset, and so we’re bombarded with messages that our lives are not “enough” as they are. And this advertising works—when we’re plagued with a scarcity mindset, we’re constantly wondering if we are enough, if we’re doing enough, if there is enough… etc. RIP: Confidence.
Like many, I’ve stayed in relationships that I knew on a guttural level were bad for me because I didn’t think I’d find love again. That I had already met all the people with whom I might share a connection. Logically, I knew this to be bullshit, and I would tell a friend in the same debacle that this was bullshit, but the fear of lack permeated logic, because that’s what fear does.
In this 2017 episode of NPR’s Hidden Brain, social science correspondent Shankar Vedantam discusses how the fear of scarcity produces a sort of tunnel vision: what we don’t have becomes all we think about. Example: When we’re in the tumultuous waters of heartbreak, the lack of love consumes us. (See Russell Brand eloquently covering this topic, here.) In this way, the scarcity mindset can exacerbate itself, and releasing ourselves from its grip becomes more difficult.
Especially these days. With so much of our lives online, it’s hard not to use social media as a litmus test for success. We compare ourselves to our friends, exes, strangers... and in doing so, stressing over all of our perceived short-comings. It’s as if we believe “success” to be a nonrenewable resource, when it’s actually quite fluid and shows up multiple times, in different ways, over the course of our lives. At least I like to think so.
On Climbing Out of the Scarcity Mindset
If it’s not already clear, scarcity is rooted in fear. The fear that it’s already been done, the fear that there’s not enough to go around, the fear that because so-and-so did it, we can’t, the fear that we’ve already loved and been loved to max capacity. I’m sure you could add to this list.
A palatable antidote seems to be self-awareness. Once we’re aware of our fears, we can start to dictate how we respond to those triggers. Elizabeth Gilbert writes about this in her book, Big Magic, explaining that when the inevitable pang of fear shows up, she acknowledges it, and then elects to approach the fear with curiosity. Okay, I loved this person deeply, and I’m sad they’re gone but who else might I love? Okay, this person achieved XYZ, and I’d like that for myself, what excites me these days, and what I can do with that?
I also think that there's extreme power in benevolence. In the past, I’ve found myself angry with my exes for having moved on post-breakups—but what if I wished them well, knowing we were both fully capable of finding love again? What if I celebrated the successes of my friends, knowing they were doing good work for themselves and the world? Even typing this paragraph makes me feel lighter. (And I think that’s because I’m believing in abundance.)
Of course, if it’s all still too much (because sometimes it is), I have concocted a remedy that seems to do the trick:
Unfollow anyone or anything that makes you feel bad.
Unplug from your devices so that you can get back into your body and actively choose things that feel good.
Unwind by allowing yourself to relax so that you can soothe out the trigger—which is essentially a wrinkle in your psyche—until it’s as smooth as a crisp white sheet, and you can begin again.
Yes there are limits to things in this world (like coal and oil), there are also many things that are infinite. Like comedies about high school. Or people who can love you. Or cookie recipes. Or songs about heartbreak. Things may have been done before, but no one has lived your life, or collected your experiences and wisdom. Truly, no one can tell it like you do.
When I think of the infinite, I go back to thinking of those red mountains, and the belief that so much is possible, while simultaneously understanding that so much of what we have is “enough.” There’s so much power when we find the balance of ambition and gratitude. Beauty will always exist, so long as we are able to see and appreciate it. (Yesterday I saw it in a Zoom wedding and this wine. WBU?)
I’ll leave you with a book recommendation for Heather Havrilesky’s What if This Were Enough?, and the new Glass Animals song, because both feel very fitting for this Tiny Thought. Also, my best friend and brother from another mother Alex Testere started a newsletter this week—his heartfelt illustrations are a rainbow on my cloudy days.
Do you ever experience a scarcity mindset? Where, and how do you challenge it?
And hey, I love you!
xo,
Amanda