This week’s topic is part of a longer series on Heartbreak, or generally speaking, the loss of love. If you have any questions, thoughts, or opinions, feel free to email me via Do You Love Me? or at amandamariekohr@gmail.com
I first heard the song Julianna Calm Down by the Dixie Chicks earlier this week. The song was not what I was expecting (which was some sort of political anthem where Julianna was a pseudonym for Karen), but rather a hymn for the broken-hearted, or a lyrical heart-to-heart communicating that “this too shall pass.” Calm down because it’s going to get better.
A breakup, or any sort of romantic disappointment really, happens at one point or another to a large portion of our human population. Over the course of my adolescent and adult life, I’ve certainly experienced and witnessed my share of heartbreak—especially considering my tendency toward romanticism and “putting it all on the table.” Each one stung in its own way and came with a unique length of recovery and its own healing process. I tried all sorts of remedies to nurse these emotional wounds, and prescribed similar remedies to my friends when they were in a chapter of heartbreak. I’ve read books that span the topic and listened to my fair share of podcasts discussing relationships, breakups, and beyond. In other words, I feel experienced in the experience of heartache.
What fascinates me the most about heartbreak is how personal the pain can feel, and yet it’s something that so very many people can relate to. That’s why breakup songs, like Julianna Calm Down, Someone Like You, Best Thing I Never Had, I Miss You, Skinny Love, a handful of Lana del Ray songs and the entirety of First Aid Kit’s Ruins, hit so hard. The emotion is raw, honest, personal… and yet entirely relatable. These songs are also incredibly impressive, considering the artist fostered such a profound piece in the depth of what often feels like all-consuming depression.
(^^Artist unknown, but hey, her tears are glitter!^^)
It’s so easy to spiral when we’re in the midst of heartache. Emotional turmoil of any sort clouds our judgement and sometimes plunges us into a whirlpool of bad decision making or unhealthy thought patterns. Studies have illustrated that heartbreak shares similar symptoms to drug withdrawal, as the brain stops making joy-inducing neuro-chemicals. (A fact that always weirdly made me feel better.)
One question that often seems to follow a breakup is something like “but what if I had ____?!?” (The lyrics to The Cure’s Pictures of You illustrate this quite nicely.) I’m sure you can fill in the blank yourself: been more patient, showed more affection, started fewer arguments... etc, etc. I can 1000000% empathize with this question (I am also an overthinker, hello), but when given emotional distance, I find it rather fruitless.
In a “completed” relationship (IMO, just because something ends doesn’t mean it failed), there’s not much either party could have done to elongate the partnership. Each person is on their own journey, and a person’s decision to leave does not have any merit over their previous partner’s or their own worth. There are no mistakes, only choices. And sometimes… things just don’t work out. And that’s OKAY!
The Steady Art of Feeling Better
The remedies I used when healing from my heartbreaks, as I mentioned, varied greatly; alcohol, exercise, school, drugs, partying, God, sex, meditation, road trips, sobriety and attention from other humans all played a role at one point or another, but the tried and true remedy was always, always time. It was never so much about forcing myself out of the space of heartbreak, but allowing time to do its thing, all while taking care of myself.
While this form of self-care often looked like what one would imagine (getting enough sleep, working out, reading for pleasure), it also meant protecting myself from negative spirals or the attempt to reestablish connection. (I’m a big fan of zero contact.) Eventually, I was able to foster a workable amount of emotional detachment from the situation, and doing so allowed me the space and the grace to see what was working, what didn’t, and what I wanted going forward. Once the heartbreak became a lesson, healing began.
Breakups feel like the end of the world (Get it? That’s the title of this week’s newsletter.). They feel isolating and scary and deeply personal—but heartache does gets better, and that’s a fact I wish I could have drilled into my younger self when she was sobbing on the kitchen floor at 2am. On the other hand, we all have our learning processes, and I’m grateful for mine.
A few months after my most recent breakup, my good friend Alyssa recommended me the book above, because A) I was sad and B) we were inspired by the healing, growth, and creation that stems from a breakup and where sort of doing a research project on the whole thing. The book was divided into three sections, the first being Surviving. (You are, after all, experiencing the end of the world.) Below are some of my favorite of the steps:
SURVIVING.
Recognize the loss.
Be with the pain.
You are not alone.
You’re great!
You will survive.
Give yourself time to heal.
The healing process has its progressions and regressions.
Tomorrow will come.
It’s okay to need comforting.
Surround yourself with things that are alive.
Reaffirm your beliefs.
Because breakups are a theme that resonate with me (lol?), this is a topic I think I’ll return to. Please comment and let me know (or message if you prefer to be anonymous), if you have any questions or thoughts regarding heartbreaks and breakups. The only thing I love more than talking about emotions is talking about them with someone else.
Oh… I LOVE YOU!
(All caps felt appropriate today.)
xo,
Amanda